Die-A-Neck-Tricks

[Bill Drayton Jr.]

Are you tired of your sleek chiseled physique?

Are you envious of the fat and flabby?

Then buy my book:

DIE-A-NECK-TRICKS!!!
by L. Ron l2icks0r!


Read all about turning your cut physically appealing physique into a grotesque gimpy fucking excuse for a human fucking being!!!

I'll show you how to do this in only 10 weeks of hard couch lying beer drinking apathy!


Step 1:

Get going about 20mph and then throw yourself at a hard surface like, oh I dunno...sun-baked adobe perhaps? Do this from about 8 feet up and make sure you fly at least 15 feet forward...

Step 2:

Land on your head. Use your head and neck to break most of your fall...don't worry you can use a shoulder for the rest - just make sure you break something....like your clavicle...

Step 3:

Severly knock the wind out of yourself by using your chest to absorb a large percentage of the impact trauma. Make sure you fracture your sternum in the process - this is absolutely critical!

Step 4:

Use your good hand to punch the fucking ground during your fall - do this in an attempt to ease your fall but make sure to do it with such force that at least one bone in your hand shatters and bone shoots through the top of your fucking hand causing lots of pain and lots of blood and bleeding.

Step 5:

Damage your good leg somehow - the bloodier the better and make sure to get some nice bruises on your hip that make it difficult to walk for a few days.

Step 6:

If you are a total fucking wussy little pussy then go to the fucking hospital for some minor surgery and so they can clean your pussy little compound fracture out so you don't get infected...oooohh!!!! afraid your wussy pussy bone marrow is going to get too exposed to bacteria or infection???? what a wuss....might as well have them put a few little pussy pins in to realign your bones so you don't get more deformed than you have to....wuss...

Step 7:

Lie in bed. Yes - tell lies to people while you are in bed about how much it hurts and how you are in SOOOOO much pain because you fractured three bones. DO this for at least two weeks while consuming massive amounts of calorie laden beers and pizza. Take as many opiate derived pain killars as you can stand along with heavy amounts of alcohol and cocaine for good measure.

Step 8:

Continue to lie around drinking beer constantly and taking opiate derived pain killars.... sit on your ass... get some fucking methadone and combine that with beer for good measure...

Step 9:

Revel in the fact that you are now almost a totally fucking weak fat ass fuck!!!

Step 10:

REALIZE YOU ARE A FUCKING FAT FUCKING WEAK ASS FUCK!!!! AND PAY ME, L. RON l2ICKS0R, $25,000.00 BECAUSE YOU COULD NOT HAVE DONE THIS ON YOUR OWN...you weak little fuk!

Thank you,

L. Ron l2icks0r!

[Bill Drayton Jr.]

I've come a long way since then... my recouperative powers are amazing... I can survive anything... wow...I impress even me!