Cannot escape...
Posted: Sat Jun 12, 2004 5:24 am
My thoughts keep coming after me and I cannot get away...they always win...I cannot verbalize their action but they don't stop and make me crazy.... I can't drink enough to get away it's so esoteric beyond what I know to do to handle it. It's never enough anymore - I just can't drink enough to get away...it's feeling is unstoppable..I can't see the end to it. I can't block it out - where is the sanity in it? I tried just lying there but it forces itself on me and I can't get away from my own thoughts that only want to prey on me. How can a person sleep like this. I don't see it. It's not right - I don't know where I am anymore but it keeps getting larger just manifesting itself into a bigger and bigger thought I can't control speaking for me - speaking to me telling me things I don't understand. My psyche is a blur now like this. Why? I can talk to myself and function as two people in a sense trying to discover what is happening but knowing all along it's not sane. I'm so tired now - i've overdone it again and I don't know by how many I didn't keep track but something is weird. I just can't lie there unoccupied without some kind of a distraction - here is fine but if I go back then it all comes back. Must have had too much now - what a strange place to be on the edge of sobriety mixed with unsanity and all the opioids hints of presence. I'm itchy...I don't get that itchy ever on this. It seems lso clear now from hear but when I lie down I wander off to an area where I can have a conversation with myself...this is very odd, I don't recall of any previous time where opioids would aid in self conversation and ponderance of so many weird things. I'm so drowsy but yet I can't fall asleep. I feel very relaxed but not drunk enough - there is an anxiety that I can't get rid of. I am drowsy - why cannot get to sleep? I think I took 50mg - that should be enough.... it's like perpetually entering a pre-dreamstate over and over again but you can't fall asleep... right on the edge of merging the sub-conscious with the conscious and they are just flurting with each other as things spin around while I sit and type...I can think about the spinning cube but it's not math it's just a spinning cube. Where is the balance I used to have? I can remember what it was like but I can't get there anymore. Too many realities for my situation. I could just keep buying the skittles or the Reces pieces for the rest of my life and nothing would change - I just keep eating them until one day my body fails and I end. But everyday until that day I could go to the store and buy the Reces pieces. It doesn't matter what I do anymore - I can do anything just like I was at Zombo.com... It's all about just what I want now but I don't want a job I just want money. Oh how a nice spicy Vietnamese sandwich would be right now if I wasn't ready to throw up.
Societal misconstrusionism is nearing a fundamental phenomenon of my life - where do I fit in now? what the hell am I anymore? I've deprecated any appreciation for mainstream sensibilites based on a residual belief system left over from my childhood set into place by my parents. It's all about how I was raised - it became ingrained in my psyche and I can't reliquish it.
Ok...maybe I am coming out of this a bit now but my neighbors are up nonetheless and smoking so early in the morning...expressionless...meaningless sad existence. Smoking is the highlight of their existence...how can someone smoke so much? He doesn't just smoke a single cigarette and then stop - he smokes one and then lights another immediately following the first...one isn't enough... imagine what he would think of my drinking though - who am I to judge him. But smoking is so devoid of any real return from the investment....drinking you stay drunk for a while - it pays off to drink but smoking is so subtle. I tried it and I felt something but nothing like getting drunk. but you can smoke while at work. drinking doesn't go off so well in most places...
Where is the preparsed data for the national weather service? seems like such a simple thing and it and they do that but where is it? so drowsy now... time for one more beer and then I'm done.
People just get in the way - they can't think well enough to realize ahead of time that they are going to get in someone elses way - why are people so stupid...so self centered...so self-absorbed....I swear I've opened that beer twice already but the cap is still on it...where am I? drunk, drugged, or drowsy? whats more predominant? I'm slouching as I wonder....I don't think I can finish this beer...too nauseated now from the hydrocodone but want to drink more. Cannot get to the l)runken l3os level though too coherent even now....eariler was weird though...bizarrely introspective....
Two images to focus on - can't keep them singular they tend to want to become independant from each other and separate....which makes for difficulty in reading back... can't stay aawayke much longer - this time is really much different than last time with the problem I had where statying awake was all I could do ok finishing last of beer then time to try to make another attempt at being alone with my thoughts yet again....is so weird what I start to think about -ok have had my fill of beer for sure now... almost feel like throwing up...ok threw up....too much opiooids and cannot help but throw up.... how easy it was to do so... throat is kind of burning so its not that pleasant...oh well just drank more beer ... throat still hurts... and so now am back to original problem of just not being able to drink enough... what a dissapointment....welll maybe should brush teeth and try to sleep....probably won't go that smooth at first though----then maybe later could get doughnuts if can't sleep....what a bizarre night...
Societal misconstrusionism is nearing a fundamental phenomenon of my life - where do I fit in now? what the hell am I anymore? I've deprecated any appreciation for mainstream sensibilites based on a residual belief system left over from my childhood set into place by my parents. It's all about how I was raised - it became ingrained in my psyche and I can't reliquish it.
Ok...maybe I am coming out of this a bit now but my neighbors are up nonetheless and smoking so early in the morning...expressionless...meaningless sad existence. Smoking is the highlight of their existence...how can someone smoke so much? He doesn't just smoke a single cigarette and then stop - he smokes one and then lights another immediately following the first...one isn't enough... imagine what he would think of my drinking though - who am I to judge him. But smoking is so devoid of any real return from the investment....drinking you stay drunk for a while - it pays off to drink but smoking is so subtle. I tried it and I felt something but nothing like getting drunk. but you can smoke while at work. drinking doesn't go off so well in most places...
Where is the preparsed data for the national weather service? seems like such a simple thing and it and they do that but where is it? so drowsy now... time for one more beer and then I'm done.
People just get in the way - they can't think well enough to realize ahead of time that they are going to get in someone elses way - why are people so stupid...so self centered...so self-absorbed....I swear I've opened that beer twice already but the cap is still on it...where am I? drunk, drugged, or drowsy? whats more predominant? I'm slouching as I wonder....I don't think I can finish this beer...too nauseated now from the hydrocodone but want to drink more. Cannot get to the l)runken l3os level though too coherent even now....eariler was weird though...bizarrely introspective....
Two images to focus on - can't keep them singular they tend to want to become independant from each other and separate....which makes for difficulty in reading back... can't stay aawayke much longer - this time is really much different than last time with the problem I had where statying awake was all I could do ok finishing last of beer then time to try to make another attempt at being alone with my thoughts yet again....is so weird what I start to think about -ok have had my fill of beer for sure now... almost feel like throwing up...ok threw up....too much opiooids and cannot help but throw up.... how easy it was to do so... throat is kind of burning so its not that pleasant...oh well just drank more beer ... throat still hurts... and so now am back to original problem of just not being able to drink enough... what a dissapointment....welll maybe should brush teeth and try to sleep....probably won't go that smooth at first though----then maybe later could get doughnuts if can't sleep....what a bizarre night...