The last month or so has been quite difficult for me. No home, no job, no car/drivar's license, no computers, limited personal belongings, more hospital bills (more debt), depleted health insurance, no gym membership, physical & mental health problems, bad food, and limited exercise.
I've been in four different hospitals - Evergreen (ER), Overlake (ER), Fairfax (10 days Psychiatric), Valley General (7 days Recovery center). I've been diagnosed bipolar by five different mental health care professionals, one therapist, and four psychiatrists. I got extra crazy from being on an antidepressant for five months when I was having all the extreme level problems. I’ve learned that antidepressants amplify the symptoms of bipolar disorder but since the MD didn't know I was bipolar when he prescribed me I ended up taking a med that hugely destabilized me even further. I really believed the antidepressant was making me extra crazy and so I stopped right before I went into the psychiatric hospital – but getting in wasn’t so easy.
Fairfax was scared to take me in the state I was in when I arrived and so I was ambulanced to the Evergreen ER. I had consumed a record amount of alcohol along with supposedly enough intravenous diazepam to put me down forever. I don’t know that much about intravenous administration but it didn’t seem like it was enough to kill me but in the state I was in I don’t think I cared. I just thought I would never do IV anything. I was there for seven hours in the ER – I didn’t move the whole time. My vitals were jacked 160/100 BP with 101 heart rate – BAC was at .3 something by the time it was measured hours after the last drink. I was severely dehydrated and shaking – it was a bit scary. My first attempt to leave the ER and go to the car ended up failing as I couldn’t stand for long before throwing up. One shot of Phenergan(anti-nausea), one Ativan(benzo), and 15 minutes later I was “O.K.†On the ride home I had tremors throughout my entire body – neck, shoulders, arms, and legs…it continued even while I was in bed. I slept for 15 hours straight after that.
As soon as I recovered from that and could get around I went to another ER under the advice of my psychotherapist and saw my first psychiatrist – going through the ER was the fastest way and I was pretty fucked up anyway so it was pretty easy. He diagnosed me bipolar, confirming a belief that my therapist had from before I was even on the antidepressant, and prescribed me a low dosed mood-stabilizer/anti-convulsant. After that I thought I should go to downtown Seattle for a drink and got right on the verge of blackout but somehow I made it to my friend’s house in Renton and then downed some Jack Daniels, more beer, and a handful of sleeping pills – I didn’t sleep. I almost got kicked out again – this time it was Renton instead of Lake Stevens where I just got kicked out from a 36 hour crazy spree leading up to the first ER visit less than a week ago by that time.
My new friend was concerned I wasn’t serious and wanted to make sure I went to Fairfax and so she drove me for my (third)intake assessment. Once admitted I found out that stopping the antidepressant I was on abruptly like I did may have altered my brain chemistry permanently. I stopped it a few days before I went in because I believed it was making me crazy. I checked into Fairfax for 10 days - the first 5 days were really tough as I was impressively fucked up with mild withdraw from three different drugs but on the 6th day I was stable – and on 7 new drugs. Two mood-stabilizer/convulsants, anti-psychotic, anti-anxiety, anti-craving, SARI(serotonin antagonist and reuptake inhibitor), and a sleeping pill. My 10 day stay at the hospital/crazy house/nut hut/whatever is a whole story in itself but it worked – I was no longer acutely unstable and at the time of my release I was only on 5 drugs – that cost $790/month…And I have to pay for COBRA insurance now since I don’t have a job.
My follow up care was at a regular chemical dependency recovery center but only lasted for a week as it was unsatisfactory care, yet another story in itself, and my insurance didn’t cover it at all so it was all out of pocket. It turns out I needed more help than they were equipped to give me. I’m trying to find out now where I am going to go for another inpatient program – but I’m almost done….Anyway I’m actually better now and actually feel similarly to like I used to be way back when. Physical health wise I'm 10lbs heavier from not being able to exercise for the last month or so and from a bizarre increase in appetite that resulted in a huge gain of fat. I didn't know I was that active until I couldn't do anything. Mentally I’ve got bizarre problems with stress that manifest into physiological symptoms that I never had before – anxiety in particular. I’ve had several full-blown anxiety attacks that feel like what I would imagine a heart attack feels like. The worst one started when I became intensely angry inside and then couldn’t breathe and almost passed out – thinking became very difficult too as I was attempting to explain something when it hit. Lately it’s just mild chest pain and weird hot flashes and BP/pulse increases tied to intense emotions.
Anyway, I really am starting over now...It's kind of liberating and it feels weird to be using a computer I haven’t had one for over a month – I actually don't know how much I like these things anymore...I suppose that will pass...
I'm back...almost
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Bill Drayton Jr.
- Post Apocalyptic
- Posts: 2171
- Joined: Tue Mar 25, 2003 2:48 pm
- Location: teh w00ds
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Bill Drayton Jr.
- Post Apocalyptic
- Posts: 2171
- Joined: Tue Mar 25, 2003 2:48 pm
- Location: teh w00ds
yeah I just found out today why I got kicked out of lake stevens - it appears I had five instances of out of control cooking...which is kind of funny actually to get kicked out for cooking. I only remember once instance though - things are are all better now as I was able to repair everything as of today. I'm pretty sure that I am done with hospitals now though - I am thinking that I will only find a good outpatient program and call it good. I have a shitload of crap to fix though just to get to square zero.