teh Forum

for the sake of "Administrative Booking & Release" That's four times now in the last four months. Why did they have to handcuff me? I don't get it. There I was just minding my own business at my arraignment on the 12th floor of the Superior Court of Seattle bumping elbows with murderous criminals and just as I entered my plea of not guilty and when I thought I could leave they hand me a court order directing me for fingerprint processing. I've already been fingerprinted by the Kirkland municipal court I said. Then some guy working for the court said he could find no record of it. I told him just check with the Kirkland PD. He said he didn't have the authority to do that - funny guy. So I had to wait there in the courtroom until the entire calendar was finished. Then the sheriff confiscated my umbrella even though before I entered the courtroom I asked if it was ok to bring it in - of course he didn't know who he was dealing with. If he knew I was the dangerous diabolical criminal Teh l2icks0r! he would have just handcuffed and shackled me right then and there but my mild manneredness, well dressed, orally hygenic, well groomed self fooled him. Anyway finally a female detention person just pointed at me as I sat in court and said hey and snapped her fingers. I just gave her the deer in the headlights look. She did it again this time she looked rather annoyed. I look at her and point to myself and say, "me?" And she's like "YES! YOU!!" Shouldn't she know my name I thought. Then they ask me to put all my stuff in a bag and while I am doing this at a completely acceptable normal pace she is bugging me to hurry up. Then she threatens me with further legal action for responding to some of the inmates inquires. I was just talking to the nice felons. They are so cute! Especially this one guy with this mega fro that looked just like that guy on my name is Earl. Crabman I think? Anyway this Crabman killed someone and was up for manslaughter. There was also another guy in there with him who also killed somebody...Yep, this is where I belong alright. The new charges that Google brought up on me definitely make sense to me - I mean really why get charged with a single temporary misdemenor when you could get charged with two felonies! Especially for a dangerous criminal like me. And somehow now they say that I did over $1500 in damage to the building. Right... Might as well handcuff me now and take me to jail! Which they did...I languished for 45 minutes in a cell - complete with stainless steel toilet and a half wall for privacy. The rest of the story is pretty lame so I won't get into that but twas fun...I'm less scared to go to jail now though now that I've met some of the worst populous in there...it'll suck but I fear it less...

What to do now? I wish I could just hide somewhere competely out of sight. I wish I could employ yon cover of darkenss. It is so soothing. I don't want the world to see me anymore - and I don't want to see the world. I wish I could just dissapear - forever under cover of darkness. I don't want to be seen. I don't want to see. Actually I want to see black.

You could get some good books to read.

You could start some kind of project. Solo code a video game?

You could take up a new hobby. Collecting bugs, or mushrooms.

You could take up a musical instrument.

You could write a novel.

You could learn a foreign language.

You could go back to school.

You could get a BS job just to meet people and get free "fill-in-the-blank."

You could take up photography.

You could learn to paint.

You could train in a martial art.

there's a few for you...

[rant]

l)runken l2icks0r! wrote:Why did they have to handcuff me? I don't get it.

Once your are dealing with the system, you're just another criminal, doesn't matter who you are in the real world.

l)runken l2icks0r! wrote: If he knew I was the dangerous diabolical criminal Teh l2icks0r! he would have just handcuffed and shackled me right then and there but my mild manneredness, well dressed, orally hygenic, well groomed self fooled him.

Ted Bundy had everyone fooled, if you look at footage of him representing himself in court you might never even know he was the one who did all the murders!

l)runken l2icks0r! wrote: There was also another guy in there with him who also killed somebody...Yep, this is where I belong alright.

Could you imagine if you HAD killed someone when you were thinking of no one other than yourself, riding around blacked out on alcohol and pills??? You would belong at that point. Isn't that a crazy notion?

l)runken l2icks0r! wrote: I mean really why get charged with a single temporary misdemenor when you could get charged with two felonies! Especially for a dangerous criminal like me.

From everything I've heard from you over the last year or two it sounds like you are starting to head down that road, are you losing control Ricks0r? Or have you already lost it? Is it time to wake up and take back your life? You only have one you know...

Maybe it's really time you got some professional help. I think that you're too smart for yourself and you need someone who certainly knows more about recovery than you, and get your life straightened out. I know all your friends feel like they can't help you and you're slipping down the shitter.

What is next? Ricks0r in tomorrow's paper? Is this what you want? Is that what you want everyone else in your life to have to deal with?

I understand you've been dealt some shitty cards, but we all get dealt shit cards. Everyone has a fucked up life, and crazy problems with personal and highly sensitive issues...it's how you deal with it that defines you.
It would be nice to hear some good news from you once in a while.

[/rant]

You know what, I have to agree with the Agent here. It seems like all of the bad stuff that has happened has been because you are, as the Agent puts it "thinking of no one other than yourself, riding around blacked out on alcohol and pills". I don't even know you very well, and I would love to hear some good news from you, rather than these cringe inducing posts where I'm lefting wanting to reply but at a loss for words. Bos is right-we have all been dealt shit hands from time to time (I'm divorced, in debt, remarried and happy, but still). I really hope that some of the other guys who know you better reply to this thread; I think you're not too far gone, and that you are very smart--and can stop this.

Some of the stories you have written fill me with a feeling of astonishment--and dread. When you posted the story about crashing into the stopsign, I was visualizing my neighborhood. With my son riding his bike, or my wife and three little ones driving around the corner. Please wake up and realize that you are only doing this to yourself. You have great friends (I have been friends with most for >10 yrs.) and these are people who genuinely care about your well-being. I have been through treatment, and think it would be beneficial for you if are able to go with it, and take it for what it is. Seriously, nobody wants to see you in the obits column, or the headline on some local news website.

The Agent indeed speaks for all of us here. I've been tired of hearing this shit for so long that I don't even pay attention most of the time anymore. You are one of the best friends I ever had, but right now you're so far gone, that I've pretty much given up. I've given my opinion. I've given my suggestions. I've tried to help. I've told you no or made up excuses when you've asked me to find "things" for you. Have you noticed that I've severed contact? It's not because I don't like you. It's because you really are fucking up pretty badly, and as sad as it is for me to say, you're bringing it on yourself. Like others have said, you have had some nasty problems that I wouldn't wish on an enemy let alone a best friend, but you could CHOOSE to rise above it, and be an even better person than someone that hasn't had to deal with what you have. My last piece of advice is to pick three of 3nd3r's suggestions up there, and call us all when you're feeling better about yourself. Once you start climbing up again, I'll be happy to help you, be there for you, invite you into my home, and make an effort to be the friend I'd like to be. Nobody is going to do this for you.

I've been getting professional help for quite some time now - it may be close to a year of psychotherapy. I've been on medication for many months. I have had release forms signed for my drug counselor, MD, and psychotherapist so they can all coordinate together and share information about me. I joined AA and have a sponsor. I'm currently in a two year treatment program where I am drug tested and I have a probation officer to report to make sure that I am in full compliance. I've read books on alcoholism, addiction, and codependency that were extremely helpful. Still though it hasn't been enough - since the first dui the longest I've been able to stay sober these days is 36 days. Recently I went a week until this last Friday. I do feel so totally far gone now though it's just completely frustrating. Telling me to choose to just rise above it is just as helpful as telling me to just "get better."

Even with being so far gone I have learned a ton of things. I haven't wanted to hang out at the j3rk household for a number of reasons. And as far as I remember I haven't asked for anything illicit for a long time - it's been quite the other way around. It's been over a year now that I've done anything like that and at least I can rest assured that I am totally finished with that. At least I have that. I didn't want to come over because all that is done over there is drinking and other illicit recreations. While I didn't mind the recreational stuff, because I am not susceptle to that anymore, I still had the alcohol to deal with. This was the reason Kelly didn't like to hang out there and left early the first time she came over. She wasn't weird she just knew better - better than all of us especially concerning how damaging of an environment it is for young children to grow up in. All of my problems are rooted in my childhood - because my parents didn't know better. It's amazing how impressionable we all are during childhood. I was on the bus today and overheard one of the riders talking about having to go to anger management and how he is having trouble now because he is too old to fight. He was some Thai boxer guy. Immediately I thought his dad must have hit him when he was younger - it was just so telling. I asked him and he said his dad put him in the hospital five times. Telling him to just rise above it and choose to be better than that is just as difficult as telling me to do the same.

I think I may have to go to a hopsital for a little while - I've been looking at this place in Kirkland called Fairfax hospital for dual diagnosis treament. I have called them and will be goinog in for an assesment. Dual diagnosis treatment is for adults experiencing a psychiatric crisis along with drug/alcohol abuse or addiction. So this is as good as the good news gets these days...

Whatever it takes, but I don't think this thread should go any further than it has already. Your friends are concerned, it's a good thing.

I went to the hospital and I am going in on Monday for inpatient treatment where I will live at the hospital.

In regards to this thread I have nothing left to say except none of you understand - maybe someday you'll really know what clinical depression actually is. Not that many people do. Maybe none of you even really know about what drug addiction or alocholism actually is - or codependency. I wish I wasn't like this. I wish I was a joy to be around and had more good things to say once in a while but I don't. Posting messages here has been therapeutic in the past but now it's proving to be the opposite. So I really don't give a fuck about doing this anymore because it's not helping. I'm just pissing everyone off and now I'm pissed off. I'm sorry I'm mentally ill - that probably sounds funny but I'm just now really coming to terms with it. It started when I was 25 and has been progressing ever since but as of late it's been becoming quite alarming with bizzare debilitating anxiety. It hasn't been this bad for quite some time. The last time was when my sister died and my wife left me two weeks later AND the one thing I never told anyone, until now, is that I DID NOT QUIT GPG - I WAS FIRED shortly after my sisters death. I lied to you all because I was so embarassed - which was stupid but at that time I didn't know what was wrong with me and I thought I was weak and should have been able to adjust and get through it and function in a normal capacity as a senior software engineer but I struggled after that and they had to let me go - I was never really that good anyway and this was just an easy way out for them. I'm still struggling with confidence in my work today.

Well that's it...going in this Monday - they are supposed to be one of the best dual-diagnosis treatment centers in the state so I'm actually excited about getting help.

I hope it works out for you. I really do. You're not pissing me off. In the past, you've worried me. A lot. What you're seeing from me is frustration about not being able to help, and to have had to sort of give up. It's not fun from my end either watching a friend go through all this. I won't comment on the "none of you understand" comments. That's not something you would know. I do understand (to a degree) clinical depression. (very close second-hand to it) But, that's never how you presented your situation. I suppose a lot of the behavior I've seen, masked the symptoms of that a bit. Anyway, I would really like to see you do well. I'm excited for you too. It's probably going to be a lot of work. I don't think there is any such thing as a magical diagnosis and solution for such things. Anyway, I very much hope you get through this. I mean it.

Please accept my most sincere appologies to you all. I don't want to hurt or piss anyone off anymore - I'm tryuing to get better but it's not so easy. I dont know what else to say. I've really more than ever been able to come to terms with what I am and can accept the lack of understanding and intolerance of those who don't get it. IT's fine! Really I don't care. I'm so far beyond everything now that it's what is understandable. Someday soon I'll get out of all of this. It's painfull but it's better than suicide so bear with me.

I wish you nothing but the very best Rick. Please call if you need to talk and typing just won't do.

Another wish for the best. I know you can get out of this. Once again I'm not pissed off. Just frustrated and sad. I want to see you better.

You can beat this! We are here for you if you need it.

They didn't take me. I waited all day for them to call me to tell me to come in but they didn't do it. I called them three times asking them to let me come in but nothing happened. My bag is all packed and I'm read yto go but I nothing has happend. Should it be this hard? I don't know what else I am supposed to do. I physically went in there last Friday. I'm serious about coming in but they didn't call me. It's hard to wait around. This sucks. What do I have to do? Maybe I will just show up tomorrow...I'm sick of this - I can't deal with this shit anymore. Why can't they just let me come in? I want to come in.

One last thing - I'm almost sure this goes without saying but some of the stuff I say when I'm drunk tends to come out rather harshly. I don't mean for it to be that way but the fact is that I am usually so far gone that I just type sort of stream of consciousness stuff and I don't rememeber any of it until the next morning when I read the ghastly stuff. A lot of the stuff I say is harsh I know but it's just how I feel. Right now if you can beleive it I have quite a good amount of judgement even though I've drank 13 beers. I don't know why I haven't passed out yet but whatever...I have an uncontrollable alter ego and he doesn't know about tact. I must apologize on his behalf.

Oh yeah...the other thing is that I've been slowly losing lots of friendships. It's rather difficult for people to befriend someone like me. I frankly don't even know why someone would choose to endure a relationship with someone like me but for those who have made it through I really am grateful that you did that.

Heh, as fucked up as it may seem I've been trying to date. Yeah...no car, no license, and emotionally unstable. And I live out in Lake Stevens. It's a miracle that anyone would have anything to do with me.

I just met a girl that I thought would be the one for me too...but of course I totally fucked it up and called her in a drunken state and she opted to use ye olde passive aggressive stance...whatever...so used to loss these days it doesn't even phase me...

You should give up drinking, and pills, and drugs for a while...I can tell you without a doubt that it's not helping anything.