didn't drink enough...

[N3ur0n0saurusl2exs0r!!!]

although it was 4:20am when I got home - too bad for me I am not into teh smokes0r...but I got home safely and without incident so maybe it is a somewhat decent thing that I wasn't totally drunk and/or smokes0red out?

The question is will I remember what I am currently typing on the morn...I am willing to bet I will...

What a day!

I got to ride my bike and take some jumps which makes me very happy. Such a simple little thing, riding my bike and jumping...but makes for such a happy l2icks0r! you just have no idea.... such a simple pleasure I think sometimes that no one really understands. I think about it in terms of sacrifice often. Like I would previously sacrifice a lot to try and go and jump - sacrifice things like my anatomy. 8 out of the 9 bones I have fractured have been the result of crashing on my bike and last year I had the worst summer ever with four fractures and some other annoying injuries. I had $14.5k in medical expenses and I had no insurance. So does this stop me from riding? no. Should it? I don't know. As the summer goes on and I ride more I take more risks - I could very easily get hurt again this summer but I guess I don't care enough...is this stupidity? I don't know. I know what the risks are, I have demonstrated to myself what harmful consequences occur from poor judgement like misjudging things but I won't stop. Maybe this is the way that things are supposed to work for me? What kind of risk vs reward model is it? I don't care what other people think of what I do. I don't even know if I am really that good. But I must be somewhat decent because I am definitely good enough to get hurt seriously so...

If I was a more sensible person I would think that I am too old to be riding a BMX bike and that getting hurt bad enough to become debilitated isn't something that is acceptable any longer? I don't think that way. I just think of the alternative being nothing - the alternative is to do nothing because there is no such thing as a replacement...not for this. But I can't have a serious crash this year....it would fuck things up too much - but I'm still going to push myself more than I did last year...and see what happens...

I think it's just easiest to beleive in fate...I'm doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing - not just for this but for everything in my life...I tihnk that is a good way to look at it...

[enderzero]

Dear Diary,

Today I rode my bike. It was fun.

No one ever understands me. They never understand why I would want to risk hurting myself to have fun.

Sometimes I just wish that I was normal like all the other little boys.

Signed,

li'l l2icky