teh Forum

I'm having a bad patch with my bowels at the moment.

I keep doing very hot farts that suggest by their smell and force that a soft log is just ready to plop out. But when I sit on the toilet, the farts stop and nothing happens. As soon as I zip up my trousers, out comes another strong steaming bottom burp.

I've just farted my way round the supermarket and offended my wife and child in the car with two eruptions smelling of very fresh poo.

What's going on here? Can anyone explain it?

....

> deep cleansing milk enema

Hmmm, I've never heard of that before. Is that another Australian innovation?

Actually, I found that writing about it was remarkably enemic (there's no such word, but I need it to make this sentence) and I can now both fart and shit. But, I was hoping for a different outcome and am not really much better off.

This Australian thing - is it best with 3.5 milk or 3.7 milk?

If the wife continues to complain about the passing of gas in public, offer to treat her to a dutch oven in the privacy of your bed instead. Let her choose.

The Dutch don't get much credit in our language do they now? I might need to work up some dutch courage to do that dutch oven thing. Same goes for the Australian treatment too.

Anyway, what makes you think I sleep with my wife? You might as well try to get some kip with an Amazon crocodile. If I fart in bed, it's only me that gets to enjoy it, unless I'm using it for jet propulsion (while farting during sex certainly feels like a very manly thing to do, I learned that you only get to do it once with the same woman.)

(Goemon, I reread your post - you make no such assumption. Yes, my wife's English is bad enough that I might just be able to tempt her into my bed to smell another horrible fart by saying "Well darling, a bit of the old dutch oven might be the go tonight")

crapped my own pants reading this post

How vulgar!

(Lucky bastard)

That I nearly crapped em.....all of this cheese I've been consuming coupled with the fact that I'm all backed up with Rum and Cream prevented the actual anal emission of solids.

I did let out one especially vulgar malodorous, musty duff destroyer a bit ago. It smelled like dead babies and Almond Roca.

I had to leave my cube and turn my fan on high


Good luck with your fecal affliction Ocean!

O11,

Im surprised youre not eating a cup of natto daily Should help clean out your system nicely. damn, youve only recently been farting and walking around the supermarket? Thought every bloke does that. I never farted this much before coming to Japan, but now it just seems commonplace; albeit they do honk more and smell like something that has been rotting for several weeks

ed9k,

Nice pic, I love Monomokehime. Great flick.

My wacky tabaccy must be getting to me more today than usual, couldnt get this thing to reply

...when you finally flex the dung muscle and achieve full and unabridged exodus...make sure that when you leave the house you exclaim to everyone you see with a half shit eating grin/half confused look, "I've shat!"

This will make everyone jealous. They will look at you with envy as though you are a very famous rock star. They might reply, "Boy, if I could only clip off the donkeys leg I've got lodged inside my abdomen I'd be half the man you are!" Thats when you both exchange a gentle smile, a tip of the hat, and continue about your business.

Don't forget!

When the moment of reckoning is upon you...feel free to cry out in a cryptic squeel "GET OUT OF ME!" ..this will give you a sense of empowerment over your burden.

I recall once riding around with 3nder in the Bridle Trails area I believe on some sort of house hunting mission when I released some piping hot flavor into the fermament. The vehicle had to be stopped and evacuated. We actually pulled over near someone's home and 4 people exited the automobile and moved 10-15 feet away from the blast zone. What a bitter sweet triumph it was...

"I've shat!"

Rofl

Bossman, youre too much.

Agent Bos wrote: What a bitter sweet triumph it was...

That has the potential to become an award winning film directed by Sean Penn.

we'll just need a charismatic anus to play the compelling lead role...

I can think of no more charismatic anus than that of the one who penned "I've shat!"


Trust me-this is quite high on the laugh your ass off scale. DEP proved that

One of the horrors I dropped yesterday actually made my nose hurt...

It didn't even seep out of my trousers. It just blasted straight through as if there weren't two layers of dense fabric between it and its victim.

O11,

U blast a few holes in your pants did ya? Cant beat the bum I saw taking a shit yesterday in a parking lot. He was so smart that he had his pants around his ankles and was practicing shitting in his pants - it was beautiful if I didnt have to witness that

Agent Bos wrote:I recall once riding around with 3nder in the Bridle Trails area I believe on some sort of house hunting mission when I released some piping hot flavor into the fermament...

I will forever remember this as the absolute worst smell I have ever been exposed to. I couldn't pull the car over fast enough and escape. I often smell something rank and think to myself, "well that was bad, but not as bad as Bos's ass in Bridle Trails."

*thrusts a victorious fist into the air*

Last summer I drove over a rotten snake that made a fine popping noise as it exploded, filling the car with a smell than instilled a primeval panic in me. I staggered from the car retching from the stomach with my eyes streaming like I had been maced. Never have I smelled anything so vile.

But it sounds as though Agent Bos's fart coulda been a contenda.

Fortunately the car was on loan to me from Subaru and not my own.

I just found this on the Web and nearly shat myself. You may already have seen this, but it is the only complete and true manual available.

The Guide to Taking a Dump at Work

Everything you've always wanted to know...but were afraid to ask!

Escapee -- A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing a police car while speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

Jailbreak (Used in conjunction with escapee) -- When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun's pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

Courtesy Flush -- The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

Walk of Shame -- Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist.

Out of the Closet Pooper -- A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out of the Closet pooper before entering the bathroom.

Pooping Friends Network -- A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.

Safe Haven -- A seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

Turd Burgler -- A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when work taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way, you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

Camo-cough -- A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

Astaire -- A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

Watermelon -- A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

Havana Omelet -- A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.

Uncle Ted -- A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

Fly-by -- The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in, check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave, and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

Crack Whore -- A crapper that has seen more ass than a Greyhound Bus. Tell- tale signs of a CRACK WHORE include pubes, piss stains and shit streaks. Avoid CRACK WHORES at all cost. Try finding out when the janitor cleans each particular bathroom. Don't forget, a CRACK WHORE can become a SAFE HAVEN.

....

You bet yourself a Havana Omelet that is funny. First time I've seen that , although I have seen similar. There's a lot of room for addition there as well.