teh Forum

Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing.

... always my favorite Deep Thought.

It takes a big man to cry.
It takes an even bigger man to laugh at that man.

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmm, boy.

As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness to it...then I realized that it wasn't a nectarine at all, but a human head.

I bet when the neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick, heavy brows." Then they would all get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they'd get mad and eat the snowman.

If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you'll be a mile away and you'll have their shoes.

Before a scientist goes mad, there's probably a time when he's only partially mad. And this is the time when he's going to throw his best parties.

The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.

You know how T-Rex used to be pictured? - paunchy, fat legged, resting on his tail like a kangaroo. Well, jeez, he's not like that anymore is he? T-Rex has really come into his own again in recent years.

When I see old dinosaur books I get really angry sometimes that I was cheated into believing the Big T was such a pitiful looking critter.

Scientists say that there are infinite alternate universes just like ours where everything is the same except for the very smallest details - this isn't the universe where I haven't been sleeping with your old lady or didn't run over your dog with my car.

There should be a detective show called 'Johnny Monkey'. That way every week a criminal could say, "I ain't gonna get caught by no monkey," but then he would, and I don't think I'd ever get tired of that.

The next time you have a bad day, imagine this:
Your a Siamese Twin. Your brother, attached at the shoulder, is gay. You're not. But you only have one ass.
Feel better?

When I was young, when they said on TV 'we'll be right back after a station identification', I thought they meant that the station was going on a vacation, you know, going away for awhile, cuz that's what kind of happened.

Also, I always thought that LA and Los Angeles were two different places, and I remember looking on a map of So. Cal for this place 'Elay' but never finding it. Confounded the hell outtame. Yeah OK I was pretty young.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside a dog, it's too dark to read.
-Groucho Marx

it's very easy to look inside a dog...just use a nice sharp knife.